22 in 36 days

I'm going to be 22 in 36 days, where did the time fly? What have I done in these 22 years that God has given me that amounts to anything? I graduated high school. I've spent the last almost 4 years now taking care of my grandmother and cousin and cleaning house, and cooking. But still it seems like my life is a failure, like i have nothing to show for the past 4 years, my family doesn't like me, or my convictions I have. I'm sure to some degree they like me, but they don't show it like I think they should.  I've never had a real job outside of the home, I worked i a firework stand years ago for maybe 3 days but that's it. I've never been to college, I've just been at home. Waiting for God to send me the one, or send me a way to go to bible college. I've made some mistakes in my years at home, many I regret, though they are forgiven they are still mistakes and regrets.

I've been trying to improve my health since October, weight-wise, and I'm doing good there, but I don't see any successes outside of that.

I'm praying to God that He shows me where He wants me to go, or what He wants me to do, or what He wants for me, but He seems ever so quiet at times.  I don't want to live in this house forever, I don't want to have a failed life. God has called me to be a missionary's wife, and what am I doing to get towards that?

I'm just saddened by some things and wondering what will happen in my future. People at church tell me I need to go to college and I think I would drop everything and go to Bible College if I had the money, I'm tired of how things are going on here, there's no real love here, just strife.

I want to make this next year be a year that I'm not a failure, I can't keep doing the same things over and over and over again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  It's insanity if I think doing the same thing day in and day out will change anything in my life.

Well I guess this is all my musings for today.

God bless and thanks for reading.
Mandy Marie

It's That Time of Year Again :) Ladies Retreat!!!

Lately I have been busyish and have been just not on my blogger that much, I havent wrote on here in more than a month, and I'm sorry about that.

I think it was last month that my laptop's back light went kaput on me, I wanted to buy a new laptop, but I don't have the finances to do that right now, and even to fix it it'd be like 100 dollars not including the taxes. So right now my Mom is letting me use her laptop.

We tried to see if the state would pay me for taking care of my grandma but since I live in the same house with her they can not pay me, I don't feel like that is fair, but I can't make them change their minds.  It's just a thing of where I want/need to save money now, but I don't make enough to save money, but God knows.

I'm feeding my Pastor's dog, Bounder, and their daughter's dog Bella, today and tomorrow for them, so there is a little bit of money, PLUS I get to see cute dogs :)

We got a dog :D Her name is Lucy.  She is quite and loves to be petted, loves attention (which is kinda perfect match for me).

I've learned that I am an attention seeker, and that is DANGEROUS for a person, let alone a girl, God will help me with it if I allow Him to, but when I do my own thing and don't allow Him to have all my attention and me get the attention that I seek from Him it leads to problems.

I'm going to Clovis New Mexico for their Ladies Retreat at I believe it's Westbrook Baptist Church on October 6th-8th, it has always been a blessing to me to go, a break from everyday stuff here and a way to get away and just be able to relax and have fellowship with LIKEMINDED believers.  It's testing living with a family that does not believe like you do and it's hard when they disagree with a stand you take or something like that. I get so frustrated at times about things they do that they see nothing wrong with.  I'm going to try and make some snickerdoodles for the craft sale, I dont do crafts really, and cookies are not a craft per say, but I bought jam and banana bread last year at the craft sale so why not make some cookies that I'm good at making? It will be such a blessing to go this year, I believe Sister Copes is "preaching" teaching (lol) again this year, such a wonderful, woman of God.

Sometimes I feel as though I am stuck, that I can't move forwards, and in ways I take steps backwards, that nothing I do here matters that I'm not truly fully appreciated.  When I talk with my friend or am online just doing random things I feel good and happy (yes I know that sounds bad, but it's kinda the truth) but when I'm with my family I just get upset.  They don't get me.  My uncle tattles about every little thing, it's like if you see something do it be a blessing not a burden.  My uncle is no saint himself.

I need to learn to be content in this situation because how will I ever be content when I am married and have my own family, of course I will love my family and care for them, and know that my husband and children love me and respect and appreciate me, but how can I be content there when I am not content here?  That's a question that has been posed to me over the past 2 years.  I try to be content and I just fail at it.  I get so frustrated and annoyed at people trying to tell me what to do and how to do it, well mainly just my uncle and my grandma (she repeats things over and over and over again and has no patience whatsoever).

If I had the money I'd go to Bible College, though right now I don't even know if that is truly God's will for me, in a way I kinda think that I'm not there now, and have been out of high school for 3 years now that maybe it's not God's will for my life just because of that but I know that with GOD all things are possible.

Kurt Skelly just tweeted: Before one ventures outdoors to criticize, he would do well to stop by the mirror of self-examination.  I think people in my house need this statement, as well as I do.

Well before I go into anything else and bore ya'll anymore I'll end this.

Oh and I'm really really looking forward to this ladies retreat, I really need it.

God bless,
Mandy Marie

The Love of God

Tonight has been a hard night for me, God knows the situation, but this is a song that came to mind.


The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain:
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints' and angels' song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God's love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam's race—
The saints' and angels' song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Youth Conference

Youth Conference was so much fun this week, I miss it so much now though!  I miss Heartland and SouthWest Baptist Church.  The day after we came home depression and discouragement hit me kinda hard. I know that the discouragement was from the devil, but the depression was from not being at youth conference anymore.  We were on a "spiritual high" if you will and we came down off of that high and it's shocking, they always warn you about it before they pray and dismiss but you are never truly ready for it.  There's not any way to successfully prepare for it.  Once you get home your commitments get tested, one of mine is to pass out tracts in my neighborhood and try to get something set up for soulwinning in our church, if that means just suggesting it or asking why we don't do it anymore then I'll do it.  But I have to find the right time to ask all of this.  I have to find someone to go with me passing out tracts in my neighborhood because you know as well as I do, it's not safe for a single young lady (21 years old, but still a young lady) to go alone out passing out tracts, and inviting people to church, it's just not safe.

Pastor Kurt Skelly and Brother TJ Wilder was a blessing to my soul with their preaching, as was Brother Jason Gaddis.  They all laid great, thought provoking messages upon our hearts and minds.

I pray that God gives me the strength to do what He wants me to do, and the things that He has shown me He wants me to do.  I know one thing He has showed me is to be still and know that He is God.  Other things that He's shown me is that to Trust Him and not to lean on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct my paths.  To delight myself in Him and He'll give me the desires of my heart.

As we delight in God and get closer to Him, our desires change, they become the same desires that God has had for us from the beginning.  That verse is Psalm 37:4 that I'm talking about.

I pray that God gets ahold of our youth group, they are too close to the world and it shows in their walk and talk.  I don't see much fruit in their lives, we need our youth to get on fire for God.

Our church needs to get back to soul winning and visitation, and not just let our pastor do it.  We can't make our pastor soul win for us, we're all commanded to do that.  It doesn't say Pastor go out to the high ways and hedges and compel them that they make come in that My house may be filled, it's told to everyone. the Great Commission is for everyone, not just the Pastor.

Tom's Test

Tom Burton is in his last year of college, studying music directing and business. Since Tom comes from a wealthy family, lots of young ladies are eager to become his wife. Not knowing which one is the one for him, Tom puts each girl through a test to see whether they’re truly committed. When he realizes his tests are somewhat flawed, Tom finally turns to God for the choice. Little does he know God may have a test in store for him.







During the night today, well started last night around 11 something, I realized that I was putting people to the test, guys to the test, on how they would react to my past to see how my future spouse will react once I tell him my past.  I trusted some of them enough to tell them regardless but you know it was still wrong motives.  I  thought after I sent the emails to them, at different time periods (different months), that now I'll see how they react to it to see how my future husband will react to it.  None of them had problems with it, but you know I should never have put them through a test like in the book Tom's Test, Tom was from a wealthy family and he didn't want girls that were just after his money so he put them through the tests that he came up in his mind but the tests were always flawed in one way or another and it ended up hurting him in the end before he got right with God.  I see myself in Tom by these tests that I've given to people about my past.  Though I did not do it to harm them, I still did do it.  I hope none of them are offended by it, one I don't even talk to anymore because he is not saved.

I realized last night however that I don't have to put guy friends to the test because when the one comes my way God will make it work out, He will not give me the one and not make it work out.  I think it might upset him, the one, a little bit by some of it, but I know that if God is in it he will still love me regardless.

God is good

Through it all God is good.

Evaristo and Salvation

My Grams is on hospice care and she has people come to the house, Evaristo and Martha.

Thursday Evaristo came over, he helps my grams M-W-F, he came over to get our old water heater and to talk with my grams, Wednesday the nurse came and did vitals and whatnot and grams' heart beat was a little more irregular, the nurse shared that with Evaristo and it bothered him, cuz he likes my grams and he doesn't like it when his patients die and whatnot (he's a CNA).  He made a statement about how he hopes that his good outweighs the bad so he'll go to heaven and my grams told him i'm sure it will.  That right there burdened my heart.  I knew he was not saved.  God burdened my heart to write him a letter explaining salvation to him and adding 2 tracts in it (one is a cartoon form and the other was a just written form).  I explained that salvation is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ, that we don't go to heaven by anything that we have done.  and I gave him the letter on Friday after praying over it, praying that God saves Evaristo and things along that nature, but I was worried about his reaction.  I tweeted something about it and my friend tweeted back and said God's Word never returns void, and that gave me comfort.  Monday he came in and he seemed like he was under conviction, on his way out (grams had no idea that i had given him a letter) he said thank you Mandy for the letter it was very enlightening.  Grams asked what did i tell him in the letter and I said I thanked him for caring for you and I explained salvation to him. and she said that's nice, or something along that line.  I shared with Mrs Martin last night what I did and she thought I did the right thing and that I should invite him to church or if he didn't mind if Pastor came out to see him or whatnot, I believe Evaristo is Catholic.  Today Grams was upset about it, that I shouldn't have given him that letter that I had no right to judge if he was saved or not and just things like that.  that she has to straighten it all out now because he looked upset about it (which to me that looked like conviction) she told me that I'm pushing away people from Christ, turning them away.  We aren't to judge and whatnot.  But I know that I did the right thing, that God impressed upon my heart to do that, He burdened my heart about it. And I have learned the hard way that if you don't do God's will, what He has burdened your heart you end up with no peace and no joy among other things, so I obeyed God's burden He placed upon my heart.  Grams said today that you witness when your on a witnessing field, and my mind went straight to the saying that once you step outside those church doors you are in your mission field.  Grams said he doesn't come here for that, but the woman at the well didn't come for salvation yet she left with it.  Christ meets you in the way.  If no one witnessed at times that weren't appointed to witness at then no one would get saved.

Please pray for Evaristo, Andrew (his son who is about 3ish), and Cindy his wife that they get saved.  Pray that grams heart opens up and if she isn't saved that she gets saved.  With the way she talks and acts I do not believe that she is saved.